fred.doddridge.net

July 3, 2008

If I had a million dollars…

Filed under: Family, Personal — Fred @ 3:01 pm

I’d buy you a green dress, but not a real green dress that’s cruel!

I wonder how many people haven’t thought about what they’d do if they suddenly came into a large amount of money? It seems like everyone I know has a favorite phrase that begins with “When I win a million dollars I’ll…”, and ends with some philanthropic deed or sometimes a perfectly selfish deed that they aspire to perform. I think it’s a natural human trait to dream of some future fortune, and I’m sure that everyone at some time in their lives has done it. Probably several times.

Me? Yep I’ve done it too. And if said event should really happen (I mean when said event happens) I am determined to not be like the majority of people in that situation who, because of poor financial sense, lose it all. The first thing I would do is pay off my home, and YES I KNOW that I’d be giving up an excellent tax deduction but I WON’T BE PAYING ANY INTEREST EITHER! If for some reason I really wanted to give my money away to the leeches and shit of society I would take out a HELOC. Simple as that.

Next thing I’d do is sock most of the rest away for education and retirement… for my kids. Without a house payment I could work pretty much anywhere and still improve my standard of living, in fact I’d probably start working for myself from home. Maybe dedicate myself more to private investigations and contract software development.

Oh, and the most important thing I would do when that magical day comes: I would tell no one. I can’t imagine anything decimating my financially secure future quicker than a hundred relatives asking for loans or new cars or homes, etc… But that doesn’t mean I’m a prick and wouldn’t help out my family, it just means that I’d do it on my terms – not theirs. If enough remained of my fortune after securing my own family’s future I would absolutely look into the best way of helping out my extended family.

And of course I’d have to build an ice arena, and a ball park, and buy some decent socks and maybe find a hat that fits my big head, and… some dijon ketchups, bwahahaha!

June 13, 2008

Perpetual motion device

Filed under: Family, Science — Fred @ 10:19 pm

I was thumbing (figuratively) through the deluge of emails I receive from my crazy uncles tonight and happened to read one of them that almost literally caused me to suck a whole Pringles chip down into my lungs. I’ve pasted it below verbatim for your enjoyment, but let me give you a little context.

My dad and his brothers are wonderful men, really, but every one of them is absolutely convinced that he alone has all the answers to life and the universe neatly categorized within the archives of his mind. But not only do they have all the answers, they are led compulsively to share – sometimes rather vehemently – that wonderful morass of knowledge with the others…

I love them all, and who wouldn’t really? They’re a very interesting and diverse bunch of self described intellectuals all indoctrinating each other with their brilliance. It provides my wife and I with hours of entertainment on days when we should be doing something else but just don’t want to. After months now of somehow falling onto their mailing list I’ve come to know each one of my uncles in a new light, each with their own particular sarcastic and passionate character. It is like watching my own sons interact when they think we’re not watching… they know each other’s emotional triggers and poke those buttons with gleeful abandon.

Anyway, on to the reason for this post… my wonderfully cynical uncle Dale’s view of perpetual motion:


It is an well known fact that a buttered piece of bread will always land on
the buttered side, and likewise a cat will always land on it’s feet.

There is a new theory that if one was to take a buttered piece of bread and
tape it to the back of a cat, (buttered side up) and toss them into the air that
they would not come down but simply hover in an spinning circle as each one
fights to land first, going round and round forever in midair, or until the cat
dies.

Likewise, if one were to glue a piece of bread to the feet of a cat, butter
facing inward then the two would exert enough force upon each other to morph
into a black hole, and finally an “big bang” ending all life as we know
it.

Scientists tried to see if the first theory, of the spinning cat/bread
would result in an ever increasing speed surpassing the speed of light and
perhaps time travel. They got the three ingredients necessary, a cat,
a piece of buttered bread and some tape or glue, but realized after obtaining
the last ingredient that the cat had disappeared, probably back in time on it’s
own.

Science….. where you can prove anything if you really want.
-DMD

May 9, 2008

The London bridge…

Filed under: Politics, Professional — Fred @ 1:19 pm

“Hey Fred, did you hear about the London deal?”

“What London deal? No.”

“The company wants to send a few guys to London to work on the new eBorders contract.”

“Wha… what the hell? Sign me up man, I’d love to go.”

<Fade to black>

That same day I let our HR guy know that I wanted to go. He gave me a quick run-down of the benefits they were offering and said that there were only a few other people that had expressed interest.

Gradually over the next week, as our HR guy received more information from the guys running the contract we learned that the benefits were even more attractive than we could have imagined and that we were pretty much guaranteed a position! They advised everyone interested – which at that point had grown to around 20 – to get their lives and passports ready, they would likely need to leave in 4-6 weeks. The atmosphere around the office was absolutely jovial as we talked and researched and prepared for our deployment. Then we waited for more information.

And we waited.

And waited.

…

Nothing.

Our HR guy became so inundated with requests for information that he started working out of the other office and when he sensed that someone was nearby would utter a preemptory: “No, I don’t have any information yet. I will let you know when I do.”

Weeks went by, nothing.

A month, nothing.

The expected time of deployment came and went, and we still had no information. Rumors started to spread, tempers started to flare, discontent and unease were the norm, and the frustration that we felt was reaching a breaking point.

Finally almost two months into our misery something happened. A friend of mine who’s balls of Tungsten Steel are now unanimously uncontested wrote an email to the CEO of our company and in no uncertain terms demanded an explanation and information about our deployment status. A few others, after seeing what he had written also wrote emails to the executives, lending support to what he had written. Unfortunately, the response we received was not what we were wanted.

We did indeed get information about the contract and our status with it, but none of it was good. Our CEO to his credit did some investigating and found that the project organizers now wanted to staff the project in Texas instead of in London. Yes… Texas. Who the f$ck wants to go to Texas?! Still more demoralizing was the fact that they needed significantly fewer numbers of people than they had let us believe. Most of us would not even get the chance to go to Texas.

I was still under consideration though, my information had been passed to the project leaders and I was told that they would contact me “soon.” Even after the devastating email from the CEO I held on to the glimmer of hope that they would again change their minds and send me to London. As improbable as it was I held on to that hope for another month until I got a short email from the division manager thanking me for my interest, and that my resume would remain on file for other opportunities in the future.

I am actually quite proud of the self-control I exhibited and continue to maintain as a result of that email. The rage I felt – feel – whenever I think of that email, if left unchecked would have me writing the most profane and vicious things to anyone involved in the decision making for that project. I, as many of my friends here, feel absolutely betrayed and taken advantage of. It is the worst managed process I have ever witnessed in my professional life, and leads me to thoughts of ropes, whips, barbs, and lots and lots of blood… which is why I must now redirect my thoughts to something else.

Never trust your company to deliver on any promises it does not give you in writing.

May 5, 2008

Home row keys

Filed under: Family, Personal, Religion — Fred @ 2:47 pm

Today was a really good day. We had so much fun together. Heh, just a moment ago my oldest son came in to the room, saw me typing and immediately came over to teach me about the “home row” keys and show me which fingers hit which keys.

“Here, let me show you dad.” He said as he wheeled the laptop toward him, read what I’d written above, and started typing… We had so much fun together. All in perfect typing position and without one errant stroke. He’s such a cute kid.

I wrote this over a month ago but it got marked as draft.

Need some extra dough

Filed under: Personal, Professional — Fred @ 11:05 am

Every time I find myself thinking seriously about making some extra cash to pay off debt, to get some new toy, or some new utility I go through the same mental list of how to get it.

The first thing I think of is software contracts. Obvious, since it’s what I do for a living… but actually getting software contracts is like finding a carbon fiber filament in a briar patch. Well, let me rephrase that – actually getting people to pay me for doing a software contract is like … well you know the rest.

The second thing I think of is to build an e-commerce web site. Seems easy enough since I’ve built quite a few before – for other people. The problem is that I can never seem to actually plug all of the pieces together on this one… What would the domain name be? What would I sell? How am I going to find the time to build it? Ugh.. frustrating, but this one I think actually has promise if I can just pull it together.

The third thing I think of is to become an agent for import/export – buyers and/or sellers. I have a great opportunity since a very good friend of mine owns a business and does just that. Also my father-in-law owns a skin care products business and I have an “in” there. This one also seems to fizzle out though, whether it’s because of lukewarm reception from my wife regarding her father’s business or because of my hesitance to impose on my friend or something else… it just fizzles.

The fourth thing I think of is usually one of robbing some criminal organization (they’re bad guys anyway, right?) or the cliche’d “invention and changing the world with my idea” idea, or starting my own gun store or something… this one will last for the occasional daydream but leaves pretty quickly when the dream is over.

And then after all of the mental hype and brainstorming is over I’m left here, sitting at my desk resigned to the fact that my only hope of additional monetary increase is to do just enough at my real job to get a 2% (or more) raise next year.

Man I’m really looking forward to the day when that 2% raise will get me out of debt. That golden day that is approximately 16,425 days from now. Woo hoo!

April 17, 2008

Refrigerator Magnets

Filed under: Politics, Professional — Fred @ 2:34 pm

Some time ago someone brought word magnets into the office and put them on the breakroom fridge. Ever since there’s been a flood of creative phrases as anonymous authors have battled over the allocation of the more precious words like “In”, “To”, etc.

To date I must take credit for the most long-running (and most creative, IMO) phrase on the fridge:

Dubya Sells US To OPEC And Bans Peace

Haha, yeah Fred you tell em! Well just recently there has been a little shake-up and some words were stolen from my phrase so I decided to make another one:

Dubya Puts Hairy Pink Fish In Texas Dwarf Taco

Heh, yeah that’ll start em talking…

January 23, 2008

MCL Blues

Filed under: Athletics, Personal — Fred @ 7:57 pm

For a brief moment, just after I hit the tree, I had this feeling that I would probably not snowboard again this season. I quickly pushed that thought away though, because no, hell no, that just can’t happen… it’s too unthinkable. My knee hurt pretty bad and I could feel myself slipping into shock, so I flipped myself over with my head on the downhill side to keep the blood in my brain. Man, that was stupid! I couldn’t believe what had just happened, but here I was laying face up in the snow fighting to stay conscious with an extremely acute pain in my left knee.

“You ok?” Derek called somewhere from outside the trees.

“Uh, yeah, I just need to sit on it for a bit,” I managed weakly, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

Not wanting the embarrassment of being hauled down the mountain on a snowmobile I brought myself up to my knees and began to pack snow around the knee that had recently been bent in a very unnatural way. Dammit, I can’t have the ski patrol take me away!

After a few minutes of experimentation I was able to put some weight on it and coasted my way out of the trees and into the clear where Derek was waiting. He just happened to have a plastic bag full of Ibuprofen in his coat and insisted I take four of them. I guess I’m lucky to have had everything I needed at the time: cold stuff and Ibuprofen. Well I guess I could have used an orthopedic surgeon or maybe a steel knee, but considering the circumstances I was doing pretty well.

I was able to make it the rest of the way down under my own power, though I took the easy trails just in case. My knee had stopped hurting unless I tried to turn it in some way but I was starting to feel much more optimistic about my outlook. Maybe I’ll be back here in a couple of weeks, maybe I just sprained it a bit?

The doctor at the Urgent Care seemed positive when he came into the room. He’d looked at the X-rays and told me that he was pretty sure I hadn’t blown out my knee. That’s a good sign, I thought. He then wanted to have a look at my knees to see what the damage was. He seemed in a good mood, and with a smile kept telling me things were looking good as he would gently push or bend some part of my knees. He then held the inside of my left ankle and gently pushed on the outside of my left calf, and the smile he’d been wearing suddenly turned into one of those frozen smiles with wide eyes as i felt a very weird sensation in my leg. It would have been funny if it wasn’t my leg he was experimenting with, but I made light of it anyway and said, “I don’t like that look, tell me it isn’t that bad.”

“I think you’ve completely torn your MCL,” he said, and then told me I should contact an orthopedic surgeon to have it fixed.

Suck.

Well I guess I have to just accept it and live with whatever the consequences are. It will probably involve surgery so I’ll be off the mountain for what, three weeks maybe? Yes I know its wishful thinking, but just let me do it ok? Its too depressing otherwise.

December 13, 2007

Early Season Soreness

Filed under: Athletics, Personal — Fred @ 3:18 pm

The snow is perfect today.  It took an enormous amount of willpower to make myself detour past the high speed quad lift down to my car.  I knew I needed to, not just because of my desire to stay employed but because I could feel the fatigue in my legs and body.  I’d pushed myself hard today, staying mostly away from the corduroy and riding the tree paths and powder runs.  The most punishment came from the back country-like runs through the trees, the ones that were still not packed, but had been ridden enough to develop some fun trails through a rough terrain.  I tried to get through them with as much speed as possible, but sometimes it was difficult to scout the path far enough ahead to  navigate… I hit some really fun jumps that way that I wouldn’t otherwise have been brave enough to try.

I’m sitting at my desk now feeling like a rubber chicken.  Man, if there was ever a time that I needed to hit the treadmill it is definitely now… well, not NOW – maybe tomorrow.  Or Saturday.

Ah, to hell with the treadmill, I just need to board more often.

September 13, 2007

Can’t wait for the snow!

Filed under: Personal — Fred @ 9:57 pm

I just bought my season pass for this year’s snowboard season… this year’s pick: Brighton!

Brighton has always been one of my favorite resorts, mainly because I’ve only really been to Brighton and Solitude and of the two Brighton is definitely more fun to ride. The terrain parks are excellent, the kickers are enormous, the runs are more vertical, and they are open from 9am to 9pm. Very cool. Add to that the new high speed quad on Millicent, and the fact that I get four days a week for the same price as 1 day a week at Solitude. It’s a no-brainer.

I’d also been looking at Snowbird which – from what everyone says – is one of the best places in Utah… but the prices were just too far out of my budget range. It looks very nice though, and I hope to go there at least once this winter and check out the tram and Mineral Basin.

Bring on the snow!

June 26, 2007

Darth Maul Wanna-be

Filed under: Uncategorized — Fred @ 1:46 pm

I’m not sure what it is about that dark clad garb, face tattoos, and the little pointy horns but it seems to be drawing out some supporters from the evil villain community. Well, the intelligence challenged evil villain community anyway. Yesterday in Salt Lake City some Darth Maul wanna-be killed a corrections officer and led a police pursuit around town until he was taken down by some old man at an Arbys restaurant. I say Darth Maul wanna-be because at first glance the guy looks like he started to do the DM impression but got sidetracked and just started doodling all over his face like teenagers do on their school notebooks… except that the doodling wasn’t very good. I can only guess that his original intention was to make himself look intimidating – you know, like Darth Maul – but it ended up looking kind of like he’d stuck his face through one of those pie tin booths and got hit with a plate of ink instead.

I wonder if this is the start of some new evil villain fad… will the next freak to escape and be apprehended by the elderly have Joker tattoos? You know one thing that I would love to see is an Incredible Hulk wanna-be! Yeah, some guy with his entire body tattooed green trying to make a fierce looking face while doing his villainous deeds. Hahaha! Man, I think it’s time to open a new category for the Darwin awards this year.

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